Calling You
by Ricechex
Summary: Song Fic Calling You by Blue October. Angel Season 1, just after Episode 19 Sanctuary. Angel's thoughts on apologizing to Buffy...


**Calling You  
**_A SongFic  
__Based on the song, "Calling You," by Blue October_

Angel sat in his office, staring at the phone. He wanted more than anything to pick it up, dial the numbers he knew so well. But he couldn't. She was moving on. She was happy, in a new relationship with someone she could trust…

**There's something that I can't quite explain…  
I'm so in love with you - you'll never take that away…**

Those had been her words – he had replayed them in his head over and over. _"I have someone in my life now. That I love…"_ Of course she loved him. He was human, he was there for her when Angel could never be.

**And if I've said it a hundred times before…  
Expect a thousand more - you'll never take that away…**

But that was what made Angel all the more angry. He had given her everything - everything he had to give! What more could she expect?

He slammed a fist onto the desk top, knocking his coffee off the edge and shattering onto the floor. He glared at it, upset that it had disturbed his reflection. Because that was all he had at this point. His thoughts, his reflections.

**Well expect me to be calling you to see if you're okay when I'm not around.  
Asking if you love me - I love the way you make it sound.**

He stood and stared down at the shattered mug, the last few swallows of coffee a mess all over the hard floor. This was what his life had become – shattered fragments of reality, his heart a liquid mess all over the floor when she came around.

**Calling you to see - do I try too hard to make you smile?  
To make us smile...**

He thought about her face the last time he had seen her. She had been so angry, so frustrated… And yet, in her expression, he had seen fear and desperation. Fear that he would have been hurt… killed even. Desperation to keep him safe. But why?

"_It's not what you and I had - It's very new."_

New – that word rang in his head as he walked to the small coffee counter for some paper towels. New in what way? Because she could take him to the beach or the park on a sunny day? New because he was her age? Or simply new because it just wasn't _him_?

"_You know what makes it new? I trust him. I know him."_

He growled to himself, his nose crinkling slightly as his lips parted slimly to reveal his teeth. He knew it was doing him no good, sitting here in his office fuming over her own pettiness.

"_I know him."_

"Yeah, sure, of course you know him," Angel muttered, snatching the paper towels from the counter and storming back into his office. "And believe it or not, at one time you knew me too."

He needed to talk to her, remind her of who he was. But he didn't know that he could call her. He wanted to – of course he wanted to. But he didn't know if he could.

**I will keep calling you to see if you're sleeping or you're dreaming.  
If you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me?**

He knelt, mopping up the coffee and brushing the smaller pieces of glass into a pile that he could pick up. He stared at the pieces, absent mindedly swirling the towels around to collect the coffee, wondering what she saw in her new boyfriend.  
**  
I can't believe you actually picked me…  
**

"He probably doesn't know her half as well as I do," he told the shards, picking them up carefully with the sopping towels and reaching towards the trash can. He tossed them easily into the bin, reaching for more towels and grabbing a few of the larger pieces.

**I thought that the world had lost its sway - it's so hard sometimes…  
Then I fell in love with you - then came you - and you took that away…  
And it's not so difficult; the world is not so difficult…**

A sudden flash of memory erupted in his mind's eye – his one and only night with Buffy – with the _real_ Buffy. She had given him something so precious, so beautiful… And he had spat in her face the next morning. Of course, it hadn't really been him. He couldn't help what had happened – neither could she. No one could have truly known what would happen after that night. And with what had happened, he realized, he couldn't blame her for having said any of the things that now plagued his memory, much like their one night plagued him constantly.

**You take away the old, show me the new.  
And I feel like I can fly when I stand next to you.  
So while I'm on this phone, a hundred miles from home…  
I'll take the words you gave and send them back to you…**

She had given him everything she had as well. He knew that now. So what if her current boyfriend was "new." Angel knew that he would always be _first_. First love, first real love. He frowned as he looked at the pieces of the glass in his hands. They had fallen apart, just like this mug. They had shattered each other's hearts countless times, but they always seemed to remain friends, or at least civil with one another.

I only want to see if you're okay when I'm not around.  
Asking if you love me - I love the way you make it sound.  
Calling you to see - do I try too hard to make you smile?  
To make us smile...

He threw the last pieces of glass into the trash, and finished sopping up the remaining coffee splatters from the side of his desk. After standing and surveying the area, he sat back down, leaning back and looking up at the ceiling.

"Knock knock." He looked at the door to see Cordelia Chase smiling sadly at him. "Need a new cup?" she asked him, crossing her arms over her stomach. He shook his head.

"No, I just need to clear my schedule for the night," he told her. "Anything going on?"

"Oh, same old," she told him. "Me sitting around answering phones that don't ring, hoping that the P. T. B. don't send me a vision while you're gone. Wesley's great and all, but, he's not the fighter you are. Know what I mean?"

"How did you know I was leaving?" he asked her, perplexed.

She grinned. "Woman's intuition." He nodded, then looked at the floor where his coffee had fallen.

"Do you think I'm crazy?" he asked suddenly. She looked surprised for a moment.

"What for?"

"For hating her boyfriend," he admitted. "I've never met the guy, but I hate him."

"He's dating the only person you've ever loved," Cordelia said, looking at him with concern. "You have every right to hate him. I heard that Xander moved on – I don't love him anymore, but I still hate the girl he's with. It's an unwritten rule that you hate your ex's new squeeze," she told him. He nodded, his gaze still on the floor, his eyes beginning to look dazed.

**I will keep calling you to see if you're sleeping or you're dreaming.  
If you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me?  
I can't believe you actually picked me...**

"I will always love Buffy, Cordelia," Angel said softly. "There is nothing that will ever stop me from loving her. And I want so much to move on, but I can't. Every time I see her, it rips me in two. Every time I see her… it's harder and harder to walk away from her," he whispered. "But I need to talk to her. I need to apologize for how I acted, what I did…" He trailed off, the loud sound of his blow resonating in his head, the hate and hurt and indignation her expression had taken, all of it flooding into him. He wanted to hold Buffy close and tell her it was all a bad dream. Wanted to kiss her and wake up to see it was a fairy tale after all. _Wanted to be hers again_.

"So what are you going to do?" she asked him quietly. She stood in the doorway, worried that he might do something rash and stupid. He sat there, his eyes unfocused on the ground in front of him. Sighing heavily, he stood up and shoved his hands in his pockets.

"The only thing I can do. I'm gonna go talk to her."


End file.
